Today is the last day of my 30’s.
I am almost in a position to be ready for the weekend. I have a nail appointment on Saturday and I am hopefully getting my hair cut too. I might have to forgo a new outfit.
I am still not ready!
Said Monica Geller, on Friends. And this sums me up very well. I am a control freak. I struggle to allow people to do tasks because they then don’t get completed the way that I want them to and I find it irritating have to explain to the nth degree how I want that doing! That being said, the frustration of feeling like this combined with the fact that there are things I would like people to take charge of but they don’t is beginning to get to me.
I think it was these feelings of control that have caused me to feel the way that I have recently and talking it through with others has helped. I started off by listing the things that are of a concern.
I am starting my last week of my 30’s. I honestly didn’t think this would bother me, but it is becoming more and more evident that it is.
I feel I have too much responsibility. I am the only adult in the family as hubby refuses to take on board any responsibility.
I want to run away and escape.
I have been off school for the past 3 days as we have had snow!
I have to say it has been exciting waiting to find out if the school is shut and then finding out that it is. It has been great being able to stay at home and have fun in the snow with the children. I have enjoyed watching the snow fall.
I have found the days off useful because it means have got a boat load of school work done – literacy and reading planning for the rest of the half term and topic and science planning for the next half term. This will mean I will have a relaxing weekend and there will be less work to do during the Easter holidays!
I have still had bouts of anxiety and worry over the past few days. I shall write about it in more detail tomorrow.
I am 19 days away from my 40th birthday and all my big plans for this year haven’t happened.
I should perhaps add ‘yet’ to that. The theory of Growth Mindset being that this is how people manage to get over set bacs and become successful but at this moment in time, I am not convinced that it will.
I remember my parents 40th birthday. I may have said that before but the point is till relevant. They seemed so together. So organised. So with it. Like proper grown ups. I still feel like a child playing house.
I don’t feel lie my life is where it needs to be. But I don’t even now where it needs to be. Everything seems so much effort. I have zero energy and zero drive to do anything, despite the fact that there is so much that I want to do. I don’t even now how to formulate this blog properly. It has taken me an hour to get this far.
I had got all my school work completed during the week at school in order to enable myself to be able to have a weekend off. There is so much I could do this weekend, but I haven’t had the bother to do so. All I wanted to do is stay sat in one place. I could drop off to sleep. I have no energy to do anything – even the prospect of bath night is exhausting me, just like the thought of running a marathon.
I feel like I am failing. Jobs in the house aren’t happening. Don’t get me wrong – nothing major. We aren’t living in squalor! I mean things like – a piece of wall paper has become unstick in the bathroom, stuff under my bed needs organising… I think the worst, in terms of cleanliness is that the laundry bag is full of clothes that need ironing.
I feel like I am quite an organised person and to feel think way is really draining. There is so much that I want to do.
I started off this year, thing about different ways that I can organise my life. I have this blog, which is ongoing and I find it really helpful to use as a way of writing down everything that is bothering me or that I feel I need to get off my own chest.
I have a life 2018 book, which I have not used yet really. I argue that I haven’t got the time for it, when I clearly do – I have had all day for example. I have my bullet journal for home and bullet journal for school. The school journal, I am making the some use of but my home one I am not so much. My ‘One Little Word’ book, I haven’t started either. Again, I was waiting for the time to sit down and do it, but I have kept putting it off. I think because I know I will start it but then would not finish it.
I don’t now what it is that I am searching for. I don’t now how I can get myself out of this feeling of rut that I am in that is making me feel so dissatisfied. This post isn’t finished, but I need to stop.
We are already well into February – 18 days to be precise. I have just spent the last week on half term and, despite a promise not to work beyond the first few days, I have ended up working each and every day. Some for the whole days, others for 3-4 hours. Great holidays teachers have hey! This explains the lack of blogging.
Anyhow – I am not too grumbly about this to be fair. I am hoping that I am going to end up being better prepared for the half term ahead. I guess we’ll see.
I started off the new year, as I do every new year, with great intentions to change. To have a different outlook on life. To be specific: money, health, family and my own emotional well being.
Money: This half term the car has cost us over £1k. I say ‘us’ – mother in law has helped up out. We will obviously be paying her back. Each month I only have enough to get by. I have a loan finishing in April, but then I loose my additional wage allowance in August. Christmas is expensive, and it is MIL 70th this year. We want to be able to have a great party for her.
Health: I am not loosing weight. Blood sugars aren’t right and I have some many aches and pains.
Family: I don’t spend enough time with this. I am not doing a good job as mum.
Emotional well being: I still let little things gets to me. I have bought all these things to help me organise my life and I haven’t used one. I know you are going to say that that is the problem. I should only have one. Even if I only had one, I probably wouldn’t use it.
This is my fault. Only I can sort this. What is wrong with me?
I don’t even know where to start.
This doesn’t even scratch the surface.
Last night, I dreamt that my daughter was drowning in a river. I was reaching in to save her and I couldn’t pull her out. I shouted at my husband to help but he was too busy on his phone to do so. I ended up getting her out by myself.
I think this screams volumes about my life right now.
I am back to feeling like I am treading water again. Is it half term yet?
We became home owners for the first time 5 years ago. It feels good to have our ‘own’ place.