Unresolved

I received another text message from my dad today. Did I mention the previous one? Sent on Tuesday like nothing had happened. I ignored it. I wasn’t going that far only for it to be swept under the carpet.

Apparently I have disappointed Dad by not replying (yet – my mum can ignore my texts?) and that Mum is most upset she didn’t get to spend time with the grandchildren (because, of course, she doesn’t give two hoots about me). Apparently, what happened on Sunday shouldn’t be blamed on them. Of course, little sisters decision wasn’t theirs but mum’s decision to ignore me, to manipulate T, to spout crap about how I always whinge about little sister and both of theirs decision to respect her decision and insistence that I should too – to ignore my hurt and offer no sympathy, that was definitely on them.

Honestly, I cannot see how this will be resolved without our relationship being strained.

I do worry that my parents are old. If something were to happen – how would I feel? I don’t know. I just think I shall find it hard to talk to them and even harder to talk to my sisters.

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3 days later

Do you ever pre-plan a conversation? In your head plan out what you are going to say?

It has been three days since the Christening (read about it here). I text my mum to say I was home (short reply), text her about the dog (no reply). My dad text yesterday (he rarely texts me) saying mum had shown him a picture of the dog and how was he settling in and that he hoped everyone was OK. Like nothing had happened. I am not going to sweep this under the carpet.

I am waiting for another text, a phone call (because I sure as hell am not calling first). But I don’t know what to  say. I don’t know what I want.

At this moment in time, I am happy to not to have anything to do with my sisters.

I am angry with my mum and dad. I don’t want to deprive my children of seeing them. I almost feel angrier towards them than I do my sister though. They wanted me to sacrifice my feelings – my happiness, to sit and be humiliated and upset and feel unwelcomed in order to save face. For my sisters benefit. They accepted her decision to exclude me but would not accept my decision to leave.

  1. There was no sympathy – only an adamant attitude that I had to go along to the party. No consideration to how I was feeling or how embarrassing and hurtful it would have been to have spent that time there.  There was no comfort.
  2. I  didn’t appreciate how my mum saw I was upset and ignored me. She went and stood with my sister.
  3. I was angry that she was telling people she was sick of it when I have NEVER complained to her about my sister, yet have had to listen to her incessantly complain about my youngest sister’s behaviour. And other family members too.
  4. I am not happy at how my mum behaved with Tris – trying to make him get upset, going on and on about how much she loved him. Couldn’t tell me that though.

Because – you know what – if you are sick of it, then have nothing to do with me. I am fed up of my mothers love being conditional to me bowing down to being the person she thinks I should be. Even little things, like no place being saved for us in the church. The way I have been treated this weekend in indicative of me not being good enough, me not being important.

Let’s get a few things straight…

The only mistake I made was going in the first place.

1) I can’t remember the last time I complained about E’s behaviour but I remember you being very vocal about it the last time I came down.

2) I don’t believe for one minute that if you were me, you’d’ve done different.

3) I also believe that had I been E, you would’ve laid into me over what has happened because you feel you can treat me however you want.

4) How is this different to you and your sisters?

5) Your lack of sympathy speaks volumes and shows exactly what you think of me. You’ve confirmed what I have always felt. I am not good enough.

I will not change my mind on this. I will not back down. I have spent my life bowing down and backing down and trying to please and it has got me no where. I am going to start thinking about myself for a change.

And then there were 6.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I was going to my niece’s christening and then going to pick up my puppy.

Let’s start with the Christening. With my sisters first child – I was told she was only allowed one god mother and one god father. She chose my elder sister and her brother in law. Fair enough. She’d always been closer to my elder sister and perhaps she’d pick me next time round. Then the vicar, at the end of the service, says something about the number of godparents being her choice – how easy she had made it by only picking 2. I spent the rest of the day in tears that she purposefully excluded me.

Today, not only did she exclude me, she found 3 people she would rather have than me. I must be an absolute heathen, and outright bitch to not deserve to be a part of it. Cue lots of berating from my Mum and Dad for then not joining in merrily and avoiding the gathering afterward. Who would to go to a party where the host clearly hates you?

I am still getting my puppy. My day will end with my very first life wish being fulfilled, but it ends with uncertainty. My, what I once felt was a loving family, not being so loving after all. I am now a family of 6 – the five of us and Sherlock.

There is no such thing

As too much stationary – although I think I may be close. I have just tidied up my craft boxes as it is near to where the puppy’s bed is and it is full of stuff, including things that I forgot I had. I need to give it a proper organise and have things a little more accessible so I actually use them!

Do you want to know the future?

As I get older, I feel less and less like I want to go into the future and would rather travel back into the past. Relieve those special times. I would like to visit my grandparents houses, old holiday spots, specific moments in time that my memory is struggling to hold onto as I get that little bit older. However, when I was younger, this is something that I often wished. I just would like to know… followed by whatever it was at the time – would I have my own house? Would I get married? Would I have children?

Obviously, when spending your time thinking about the future, or thinking about the past, you are failing to live in the present. Pinterest is full of beautifully handwritten quotes, words of wisdom that reflect this reality so I am obviously not the only one to think this and am unlikely to be the last. And whilst I am very aware of the marching on of time, it doesn’t stop me from still feeling that ‘I wish I knew this…’ or ‘I wish I could go back…’

I am sat on the pinnacle of having everything that I have ever wanted – 2 weeks(ish) away from picking up my puppy).

I have wanted children for a long time, despite what my parents may argue.  Four was the ideal and I am blessed to have three. Extremely lucky to have a boy and two girls. They have the names that I wanted and are (on the whole!) wonderful.

I also wanted to be married. I wanted to have someone who loved me and to spend my life with. I have that. He can drive me wild with frustration at times, but snuggling down with him, sharing my worries and just generally being in his presence, makes up for those rough patches. “For better or for worse.”

Whilst, I haven’t out rightly  wished for a house, I presume it goes hand in hand with the idea of wanting a family.

When I wanted these things? I cannot really remember. However, the last of all my desires – a dog – can be tracked back. ‘Dog’ was the forth word I ever spoke (right behind dad, mum and tea – my weight problem being revealed there I guess).

So I should be blissfully happy right?

To be fair, I am not miserable either. I just don;t seem to be able to get a grip of myself.

I should have enough money to be able to live comfortably, but I am always living beyond my means. Buying things unnecessarily that then leads to be having things such as all the craft supplies one could possibly want but then they sit unused because I am too lazy to do some.

I spend money unnecessarily on food. This has resulted in me being incredibly fat. So much so that I look like Jabba The Hut when I sit down – so embarrassing. I also feel unwell – tight chest feelings, I know my blood sugar is completely out of control. I have not filled a prescription for a set of medication I should have, I haven’t completed 2 medical tests I know I should have. I am selfish – but also afraid. Afraid of what is going to happen – the inevitable. Even as I say this, and I want to lose weight, I don’t have any confidence that I will be able to manage it and actually achieve it. People who drink excessively, who take drugs, who smoke whilst pregnant – all abhorrent. But what I am doing is equally so. I am failing myself but, worse still, I am failing my children. I know they would be devastated without them. How can I continue to do this to them?

Something needs to change. I have that power.

 

 

Puppy news

It has been a while since I have written. Mainly because I have been busy but also partially because I have been unwell.

We continue to visit the puppy every Friday – he is getting so big! Not long before he comes to live with us! 🙂

Nothing is plain sailing

On April 1st (I know- good day for it) my school transferred from one academy to another. This morning, I have received my first pay packet and it is over £100 less than what it should be.

I am so annoyed by this because now I am going to have to spend my day trying to sort it out and probably won’t get the money until next pay day – if I get it back at all! I am sure they will come up with some reason as to why I am short.

Grrr!