Just to give a little context to this, my hubby stays at home during the week and works on the weekend. This is primarily because, when our youngest was born, it was cheaper for him to stay at home and look after her than it was to go to work and pay for childcare. As it turns out, our youngest has lots of health issues so now she’s in school full time, he stays off so he can take her to doctors appointments and so on. His day consists of making sure the house is tidy, keeping on top of things like washing and then going to these appointments when necessary. He breaks up the week find doing things like going Pokémon hunting or doing like going shopping or going to the cinema – like he did today. Not exactly stressful.
Yesterday was a very stressful day. So much so that he had to leave the house. The list of things that caused his stress was the sky box not recording and him putting a load of washing on wash rather than rinse. Yep.
For the benefit of further context, I am a year 6 (most stressful year) primary teacher facing an academy takeover, the imminent threat of ofsted and constant lesson and Work scrutiny.
Today, I get notice 15 minutes before I am due to come home (and after my husband has left to come and pick me up) that I am going on a course in the morning. I therefore had to plan a whole morning’s worth of work for a supply teacher. It is quite tricky when you’re in year six and you know that the work has got to go in books to prove that you are doing work, but you are also aware of the fact that the teacher who is coming your class may not do what you want to good standard. Which you will be held accountable for. Anyhow, said hubby arrives and I messaged him to say that he’s going to need to come into the building so I can finish off. He arrives at class with three children, with what can only be described as the monk on. He refuses to tell me why, snaps at me at every opportunity, snaps at the kids at every opportunity and then stops speaking to me.
We get home and the silent treatment continues for a good hour when he then decides to speak and have a go at me for being quiet and asking me what is wrong.
I feel like my mind is in such muddle. I have so much going on and swimming around in my head. I’m going to try and get it out.
I find work stressful. I find receiving e mails from work stressful, thinking about work stressful – the whole general experience stressful. I think this is teaching as a whole rather than teaching at the specific place that I do. I cannot realistically change my job. I earn too much to be able to switch jobs (although I will be earning less in the summer) and I have too many outgoings in order to take a huge pay cut (the reduction in the summer will be bad enough). I have to find a way to manage the stress.
I don’t know. I feel like I am floundering. I have so much that I would like to do but I never seem to do it. I want to do this project, or that project and I collect all the supplies for it but never do any.
I spend too long not doing anything. I don’t have the oomph to do anything. I think that some days I would just like to stay in bed and do nothing. I think I have lost enjoyment in life.
I feel almost permanently dissatisfied. I am so ungrateful. All I have ever wanted in life was a family. I wanted to be loved. To have children. I have that and yet I still feel like I am dissatisfied. I feel like I waste my time and that I am not succeeding in life. I don’t really know what to do about it.
I feel like I have lost my way. I feel like I want to return to my childhood and start over. I want decisions to be taken away from me and I want looking after.
I know, reading this, I sound like a classic case of depression – but I honestly don’t think it is depression, or at least not what I think depression is. I don’t know what to do.
Today has been a good day, despite the fact that I have had to do work. A successful day shopping (see below) which resulted in me coming home in the dark. I’d made sure that the house was clean before I left and I set the coffee timer going so I walked in to a tidy house and the smell of fresh coffee. Candles lit and Love Actually on, the end to a great day!
Stationary bargains! £6 sharpie set (Tesco) and the rest (prices as show) from WH Smith. To do lists, post it notes, pens and pencils. Joy!
I hope tomorrow goes Ok. We have people in from our new academy trust chain and they shall be in classes watching lessons. I hope the kids behave and I hope they perform. I hope they work is pitched right and I hope I find the energy to teach it!
Shall we go food shopping after school tomorrow? I could leave school early because after everything tomorrow I shall probably be fed up and want to leave early. Now I’ve got that bit of extra money, I can get some food shopping done and get so healthy food so I can get this diet going. Don’t know if I’ll have the energy tho.
I might have a mooch on Amazon and wish and see if there is anything about to buy that’d cheer me up, I might get some stuff from lush. I might go into town if I can be bothered.
I can’t be bothered to do much. I just want to stay in bed.
I am already falling behind on my school work. I just don’t know how to mark effectively to the marking policy in the time that I have. I can’t get around the whole class in the lesson. I refuse to work past a certain time at night, but I will fall behind.
First day back and I am exhausted! I am hoping that I can try and keep on top of things although my job list is already a mile long. I worked solidly from getting in, not even really breaking to eat dinner as I worked whilst I ate. I sat down finished at 8.30pm. Who says teaching is a 9-3.30 job?
I have finally started my bullet journal! Here are a few pictures to tell the tale…
LEUCHTTURM1917 – the bullet journal notebook that I think is quite popular. I’m liking the size and the hard back cover. I also love the blue!
Stabilo pastel highlighters, faber-castell fine liners, zebra glitter highlighters (these are amazeballs!) and Wink of Stella glitter pens.
Highlighters and washi tape to help finish off.
My future log. As you can see I have used the calendar stamps and whilst there is a little ghosting going on, on the whole it is OK. You can also see that the calendar stamp went awry so I used a fine liner to correct it.
I have a few pages in between – trackers, goals, quotes… then I start up for January. I have tried to keep it pretty simple…