As I get older, I feel less and less like I want to go into the future and would rather travel back into the past. Relieve those special times. I would like to visit my grandparents houses, old holiday spots, specific moments in time that my memory is struggling to hold onto as I get that little bit older. However, when I was younger, this is something that I often wished. I just would like to know… followed by whatever it was at the time – would I have my own house? Would I get married? Would I have children?
Obviously, when spending your time thinking about the future, or thinking about the past, you are failing to live in the present. Pinterest is full of beautifully handwritten quotes, words of wisdom that reflect this reality so I am obviously not the only one to think this and am unlikely to be the last. And whilst I am very aware of the marching on of time, it doesn’t stop me from still feeling that ‘I wish I knew this…’ or ‘I wish I could go back…’
I am sat on the pinnacle of having everything that I have ever wanted – 2 weeks(ish) away from picking up my puppy).
I have wanted children for a long time, despite what my parents may argue. Four was the ideal and I am blessed to have three. Extremely lucky to have a boy and two girls. They have the names that I wanted and are (on the whole!) wonderful.
I also wanted to be married. I wanted to have someone who loved me and to spend my life with. I have that. He can drive me wild with frustration at times, but snuggling down with him, sharing my worries and just generally being in his presence, makes up for those rough patches. “For better or for worse.”
Whilst, I haven’t out rightly wished for a house, I presume it goes hand in hand with the idea of wanting a family.
When I wanted these things? I cannot really remember. However, the last of all my desires – a dog – can be tracked back. ‘Dog’ was the forth word I ever spoke (right behind dad, mum and tea – my weight problem being revealed there I guess).
So I should be blissfully happy right?
To be fair, I am not miserable either. I just don;t seem to be able to get a grip of myself.
I should have enough money to be able to live comfortably, but I am always living beyond my means. Buying things unnecessarily that then leads to be having things such as all the craft supplies one could possibly want but then they sit unused because I am too lazy to do some.
I spend money unnecessarily on food. This has resulted in me being incredibly fat. So much so that I look like Jabba The Hut when I sit down – so embarrassing. I also feel unwell – tight chest feelings, I know my blood sugar is completely out of control. I have not filled a prescription for a set of medication I should have, I haven’t completed 2 medical tests I know I should have. I am selfish – but also afraid. Afraid of what is going to happen – the inevitable. Even as I say this, and I want to lose weight, I don’t have any confidence that I will be able to manage it and actually achieve it. People who drink excessively, who take drugs, who smoke whilst pregnant – all abhorrent. But what I am doing is equally so. I am failing myself but, worse still, I am failing my children. I know they would be devastated without them. How can I continue to do this to them?
Something needs to change. I have that power.