Hello old friend

Long time no see.

I notice that the last time I wrote on my blog was 1st October. I have been very quiet since then. It is almost midway through December so it seems unlikely that I will beat the blog posting total goal that I set myself. Ah well.

A lack of posting could be seen to be a good thing. It must’ve meant that I did not feel the need to get my thoughts out or to air my fury. It could also mean that I have been too busy. In fairness it is probably an even mix of both.

I have been incredibly busy with work Beyond busy. My nights are filled with doing school work and my weekends are the same. I have only recently begun to fall into a pattern of being able to work quicker, although I cannot help but feel that this will change.

I also have not really had the need for venting. Since the disagreement with the hubby, things have picked up at home and he seems more keen to pull his weight and more accepting of me telling him how things need to be.

I am 8 sleeps a way from breaking up for Christmas. I plan on blogging daily over the Christmas holidays. Expect a few days worth of lists over the coming days for further things I need to do / want to achieve!



A month in

I have been back at school a month, and there have been some changes, but these have not been monumental.

The first few weeks back at work were hectic. Working til late every night, working Saturday and Sunday. It has been only the last two weekends where all my work (immediate and urgent work that is) has all been completed on Saturday and so I have been able to have Sunday to myself.

The housework wasn’t being kept up with. Hubby rocked up at work a few Wednesday’s ago to tell me I’d have to ignore the state of the house. When I queried why he’d not had chance to do it, thinking he’d had a headache or something, it turned out that he had been busy Pokémon hunting. To say I was annoyed is an under statement. Of course, he went off on one “Oh right, well I won’t have any time to myself then. I won’t do anything for me!” Considering I’d not had a day off for 14 days straight, working til 1am in the morning in some cases, I quickly replied with “When is my time then?”

He stays at home Monday to Friday. All he has to do it get the kids to school (and it turns out that T has been late on a few occasions!) and pick them up, doing housework in between, and taking the kids to their medical appointments. It isn’t like there isn’t a huge amount to do. I kept the house really tidy during the summer holidays and all he had to do was keep on top. After this disagreement, I cleaned the house (again) – doing the regular stuff like the washing up, cleaning toilets etc but I also changed, wiped the floors, dusted, did the wood work, hoovered to within an inch of my life…  Anyhow – he has generally kept up on it since. At least this time, I was not afraid to say nothing.

In terms of stress – it has started. We are being scrutinised to within an inch of our lives and I still feel trapped.

So what happens now?

I cannot continue to live like this. Getting unhappy but not doing anything to change it. I need a plan!

Hubby – I have to be more vocal. There will be a chore list and I will speak out, even thought it might cause an argument.

Children – I need to instil those rules that I was going to do all those moons ago. I shall not be frighten of being ‘mean’. I shall say no and stick to it!

Me: I need to make sure I keep my work at work. I need to utilise my PPA time, my lunch time and my time after school so that the work is completed and the evening are ‘mine’. I don’t want to have to wait until the holidays before I do something. If I fancy card making, I should just do it. I need to take good care of myself.

I need to:

  1. take more exercise
  2. eat healthily
  3. ensure I have breakfast
  4. get up and get ready for work with time to spare
  5. complete work at school
  6. listen to music everyday
  7. read every day
  8. buy myself little treats every month
  9. treat the children to a nice meal out once a month
  10. have a beauty regime
  11. have some me time

So – jobs that need doing:

  1. beds changing regularly
  2. woodwork dusted
  3. kitchen clean for when I get in
  4. toys picked up off the floor (children should be playing upstairs)
  5. toilets bleached daily
  6. Table kept clean
  7. floors hovered
  8. hovering under chairs etc weekly
  9. cleaning under appliance frequently
  10. cleaning oven monthly
  11. cleaning doors regularly

The best laid plans

This holiday has not gone according to plan. Looking down my lost of things I wanted to achieve and I haven’t done many of them at all.

Here was the list:

  • Make some Christmas cards – haven’t done this
  • Do paper cutting – haven’t done this
  • Organise my wardrobe – have done this, but Neil undoes it just as quickly when he puts the ironing away. I guess the answer to this is to put it away myself.
  • Lose weight – I may have lost a little but a lb or two at my weight isn’t gonna cut it.
  • Go walking as often as possible – rarely happened.
  • Keep up with the house work – well, but default this has happened. I have done practically every little bit of house work this holiday. It really irritates me that Neil see’s me being off work as an excuse for him to do precious little around the house. I am going to spend the weekend getting the house back into shapes, but no doubt it’ll all be ruined on the Monday when I return to work and Neil is at home alone with the kids.
  • Blog daily – this hasn’t happened and I contemplated going back and filling in the blanks, but it goes against the rest of this post, read on!
  • Read a new book – I am making my way through this.
  • Continue writing my book -haven’t done this. Writers block!

This holiday, I set off with the idea of trying to make the most of my time. I did this last holiday and it went well – I felt rested and relaxed when I went back to work, although it didn’t last.

I find myself living from holiday to holiday. Thinking I can’t do this or I can’t do that because the weekends aren’t long enough and therefore I feel the need to make the most of the time off I get. This perhaps gives me a heightened sense of expectation. Maybe that is why I have been so spectacularly annoyed when things don’t go wrong.

So what has gone wrong? This holidays has flown by, I feel I have achieved nothing, feel I have wasted my time.

School work seems to have loomed over me. I don’t know if this is anything that can be avoided. A lot of stuff can’t be done til the end of the holidays because of the cleaners in school, but I do still have a jobs list as long as my arm. I should’ve started sooner.

The situation at home has wound me up. T has shown a rude and disrespectful attitude all summer. I felt so guilty about not giving T the birthday that I felt he deserved – living up to what we had done previously (gone away, done numerous things) that I pressured myself into scrimping and scraping to try and get the money together to do stuff. I have got myself further into debt and panicked nearly every day that we wouldn’t have enough money. And then, to top it all off – he didn’t care less. He spoilt our break away really with his grumpy attitude. Everything was too much hassle, if he didn’t get his own way or what he wanted he’d stomp off of huff or do a little growl. A few examples: I took him to the sweet shop and he wanted a large tub of sweets rather than a regular sized one. He stomped off and got stroppy. He went on a funfair ride. It cost £4, which is expensive for what it was (and bare in mind I have 3 of them wanting rides like this). He found it difficult to do (it was like being in a big hamster Ball on water). He got off saying how rubbish it was and what an awful ride. This was in front of everyone.

The holiday was also ruined because of hubby. He has done very little all holiday. When there has been work to be done, I have had to ask him. He is permanently sat at his computer table, doing sod all except things for himself. It irritates me because he does not act like a father, a family man. He is so self centred.

Anyhow, I have done practically all of the house work, trying to keep it clean. I cleaned it from head to toe but as I look around the house now, I am cross that it hasn’t be kept up with. This is because I have stepped back – looked to see what would happen if I did nothing.  There is not thought, an example being, if he makes toast, he leaves the buttered knife out instead of putting it in the dishwasher or the sink. The chopping board will be left covered in crumbs. Why??!

His attitude is also driving a wedge between us. He acts like a child. Other than the messiness and the lack of awareness of what can be done, he is constantly on his computer, on his phone or going out for pokemon raids. He chats on messenger with his pokemon team mates (who all have disgusting names too rude to type out here) and gets called to ‘go out and help out with a raid’. I just don’t get it!

His attitude fluctuates. He is short tempered and this is where T gets his huffiness. When we were away in Cardiff, his driving was erratic. I can’t drive and I struggle recalling my left and my rights, but even I could have found my way round Cardiff. He wasn’t concentrating and we ended up going the wrong way so many times. This has been evidenced by the fine for going in a bus lane that we received yesterday.

Something has to give – and it is up to me. That is why I did not go back and fill in the blog posts missing. It is time I stopped papering over the cracks.


Blog Challenge Day Twenty Three – A letter to someone. Anyone.

The Titanic

April 1912


Dearest wife.

                   We have now been at sea for a full day and I am just beginning to get used to the movement of the water and the noise from the vast ship.

                   We left Southampton yesterday, with what seemed like surely thousands of people on the dock waving goodbye. It was hard to say goodbye to mother and father, but the thought of returning to you kept me strong. There was some excitement as we left, it seemed that one of the boats docked alongside the Titanic set adrift as the ship took off. I thought that we would surely crash, but fortunately a tug pulled the boat to one side. Now, I know that this news might make you worry my darling, however it is important to remember that this boat is world class and practically unsinkable!

                   Life on board is very relaxed. My cabin is exquisite. I have a 4 poster bed in my state room and the room even has its own bathroom! The bed, which has a feathered quilt, is perhaps the most comfortable I have ever slept on! Entertainment is plentiful on board. On the day we set sail, I enjoyed the new gymnasium (the horses are world class!) and tomorrow I plan on using the swimming pool! Who would have thought that such luxuries could be at sea?

               Unexpectedly, I find the food on board to be the widest of selections, however a ship this size is more than capable of containing enough food to feed a small country I am sure! I have been told that tonight’s meal shall contain 10 courses and I must say I am quite worried that you shall not recognise me when we meet again, after this fine dining! I hear the lamb is particularly delightful and so feel sure I will try that.

               I must leave this letter now my darling as the gentleman in the next room, Mr Ismay, has challenged me to a game of quoits on deck. I will see you soon, there is talk of us arriving in New York as soon as the 16th!

                                             All my love,