Nothing changes if nothing changes

We are already well into February – 18 days to be precise. I have just spent the last week on half term and, despite a promise not to work beyond the first few days, I have ended up working each and every day. Some for the whole days, others for 3-4 hours. Great holidays teachers have hey! This explains the lack of blogging.

Anyhow – I am not too grumbly about this to be fair. I am hoping that I am going to end up being better prepared for the half term ahead. I guess we’ll see.

I started off the new year, as I do every new year, with great intentions to change. To have a different outlook on life. To be specific: money, health, family and my own emotional well being.

Money: This half term the car has cost us over £1k. I say ‘us’ – mother in law has helped up out. We will obviously be paying her back. Each month I only have enough to get by. I have a loan finishing in April, but then I loose my additional wage allowance in August. Christmas is expensive, and it is MIL 70th this year. We want to be able to have a great party for her.

Health: I am not loosing weight. Blood sugars aren’t right and I have some many aches and pains.

Family: I don’t spend enough time with this. I am not doing a good job as  mum.

Emotional well being: I still let little things gets to me. I have bought all these things to help me organise my life and I haven’t used one. I know you are going to say that that is the problem. I should only have one. Even if I only had one, I probably wouldn’t use it.

This is my fault. Only I can sort this. What is wrong with me?

 

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*sigh*

I don’t even know where to start.

  • I am unbelievably busy at work.
  • I am fed up of having to do other peoples work.
  • I am fed up of having to explain things to the nth degree.
  • I am fed up of children not following my instructions.
  • I am fed up of not having enough resources to do my job.
  • I am fed up of the state of my house.
  • I am just fed up!!

This doesn’t even scratch the surface.

Last night, I dreamt that my daughter was drowning in a river. I was reaching in to save her and I couldn’t pull her out. I shouted at my husband to help but he was too busy on his phone to do so. I ended up getting her out by myself.

I think this screams volumes about my life right now.

Life is what happens when your busy making other plans…

Life must not be taken for granted. It can be taken so easily from us.

I woke Saturday morning to a text from  my year group work partner. After my diagnosis of a stomach ulcer, I had made the conscious decision not to open my work e mails this weekend. In fact, I specifically asked my colleague to send me her half of the planning to my personal e mail. Feedback from a book scrutiny was coming and I wasn’t ready to receive it of a weekend. The text mail read, ‘we’ve had an e mail, I thought you should read it…’ the e mail then followed, copied into text. The sort of it – another member of staff has died, tragically, unexpectedly, unexplained. 

I cannot even fathom what has happened. It was hard enough when our colleague died last year, so soon after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I couldn’t – still can’t – get to grips with how you are here one day, given a death sentence and then just gone. This is even worse. This lady felt unwell Thursday, had Friday off and then was gone.

In all my years at work, there has be countless suffering, from the TA’s and Deputy Head who succumbed to cancer, to the NQT who was killed in an RTA, to the children lost in traffic accidents, to illness… to those who have lost their spouse, their child, to those who have been diagnosed and managed to survive the curse that we all feel is ravaging our place of work.

Tomorrow we shall have to continue. The children will be unawares, the game face will be on and any tear that inevitably will sneak past the cool veneer that we have had to apply all too many times will have to be passed away as an oncoming cold – it is too early for blame hay fever,

But for another family, time is frozen. Decisions will need to be made and a world will continue on around them as they get locked into a moment that came too soon and so cruelly.

Avoid stressful situations…

I now know what is wrong with me.

I went to the Dr yesterday and I discovered that I more than likely have a stomach ulcer. I was lucky enough to see my own dr and he examined me after consultation. I described the pain and it’s location and explained some of the things that had been happening. I have been prescribed Lansoprazole.

Basically, for quite a long time, I have had high abdominal pain that comes on incredibly quickly. It feels almost like it does when you stomach rumbles when you are hungry. There are times when, if I catch it, I can eat something and it stops it from hurting. Other times, there is nothing I can do and I have to lie down and lie still in the hope it will go. On Monday night, nothing helped except being sick (and boy was I sick!) which burnt the whole of my throat and mouth. It turns out that my stomach acid is aggravating the ulcers which can be triggered by certain foods (and is an individual thing), caffeine, alcohol and  stressful situations – which I must avoid.  When I look back at my past two attacks – both were prior to a meeting at work, which was quite stressful. The fact it sometimes goes when I eat shows that what I have eaten has neutralised the stomach acid.

At least I now know what is causing it and I shall definitely raise the ‘stress’ thing when I have my return t work interview. Something needs to be done to control teacher stress – it is no wonder people have time off work.

Sick

So, I am not very well. Again. I have to say that this is possible the ill-est I have been for a while – perhaps this is a sign of the growing age that is encroaching upon me.

Yesterday at work, I developed some strong stomach pains that got progressively worse over the evening. We went out for a meal and I had to leave early because of it.

After a bath when I got in, which didn’t ease the discomfort, I ended up in bed as lying still in only one position enabled me to feel any kind of comfort. It all came to a head at 1 am when I started throwing up and throwing up with style!

I have stayed at home today and am only able to write this as I am sitting perfectly still. I hate having time off work because it puts so much pressure on everyone else. Hopefully I shall be back to it soon and this will be the end to the illness.

Sore nosed

I have such a sore nose because I have a cold – AGAIN!! I wish sick over Christmas as so thought I had done my fair share of being unwell, but no. I have had sniffles and sneezes before coming out with a full blown cold – on one side of my face! For the previous two days my left hand side has been leaking – water from my eye and snot from my nose. Today, that is on the mend but the right hand side has now come out in sympathy.

I hate being unwell.

So, I’ve no idea what has just happened

Just to give a little context to this, my hubby stays at home during the week and works on the weekend. This is primarily because, when our youngest was born, it was cheaper for him to stay at home and look after her than it was to go to work and pay for childcare. As it turns out, our youngest has lots of health issues so now she’s in school full time, he stays off so he can take her to doctors appointments and so on. His day consists of making sure the house is tidy, keeping on top of things like washing and then going to these appointments when necessary. He breaks up the week find doing things like going Pokémon hunting or doing like going shopping or going to the cinema – like he did today. Not exactly stressful.

Yesterday was a very stressful day. So much so that he had to leave the house. The list of things that caused his stress was the sky box not recording and him putting a load of washing on wash rather than rinse. Yep.

For the benefit of further context, I am a year 6 (most stressful year) primary teacher facing an academy takeover, the imminent threat of ofsted and constant lesson and Work scrutiny.

Today, I get notice 15 minutes before I am due to come home (and after my husband has left to come and pick me up) that I am going on a course in the morning. I therefore had to plan a whole morning’s worth of work for a supply teacher. It is quite tricky when you’re in year six and you know that the work has got to go in books to prove that you are doing work, but you are also aware of the fact that the teacher who is coming your class may not do what you want to good standard. Which you will be held accountable for. Anyhow, said hubby arrives and I messaged him to say that he’s going to need to come into the building so I can finish off. He arrives at class with three children, with what can only be described as the monk on. He refuses to tell me why, snaps at me at every opportunity, snaps at the kids at every opportunity and then stops speaking to me.

We get home and the silent treatment continues for a good hour when he then decides to speak and have a go at me for being quiet and asking me what is wrong.

I dare him to ask again as I will tell him!

It’s so cold

I feel really cold in my bones! I’m getting old.

Today has been OK. Lesson observation things seemed to go OK, it wasn’t as stressful as it could’ve been.

I haven’t had much work to do but not had much oomph to do things either. I could just sleep.

Is it bedtime yet?