This holiday has not gone according to plan. Looking down my lost of things I wanted to achieve and I haven’t done many of them at all.
Here was the list:
- Make some Christmas cards – haven’t done this
- Do paper cutting – haven’t done this
- Organise my wardrobe – have done this, but Neil undoes it just as quickly when he puts the ironing away. I guess the answer to this is to put it away myself.
- Lose weight – I may have lost a little but a lb or two at my weight isn’t gonna cut it.
- Go walking as often as possible – rarely happened.
- Keep up with the house work – well, but default this has happened. I have done practically every little bit of house work this holiday. It really irritates me that Neil see’s me being off work as an excuse for him to do precious little around the house. I am going to spend the weekend getting the house back into shapes, but no doubt it’ll all be ruined on the Monday when I return to work and Neil is at home alone with the kids.
- Blog daily – this hasn’t happened and I contemplated going back and filling in the blanks, but it goes against the rest of this post, read on!
- Read a new book – I am making my way through this.
- Continue writing my book -haven’t done this. Writers block!
This holiday, I set off with the idea of trying to make the most of my time. I did this last holiday and it went well – I felt rested and relaxed when I went back to work, although it didn’t last.
I find myself living from holiday to holiday. Thinking I can’t do this or I can’t do that because the weekends aren’t long enough and therefore I feel the need to make the most of the time off I get. This perhaps gives me a heightened sense of expectation. Maybe that is why I have been so spectacularly annoyed when things don’t go wrong.
So what has gone wrong? This holidays has flown by, I feel I have achieved nothing, feel I have wasted my time.
School work seems to have loomed over me. I don’t know if this is anything that can be avoided. A lot of stuff can’t be done til the end of the holidays because of the cleaners in school, but I do still have a jobs list as long as my arm. I should’ve started sooner.
The situation at home has wound me up. T has shown a rude and disrespectful attitude all summer. I felt so guilty about not giving T the birthday that I felt he deserved – living up to what we had done previously (gone away, done numerous things) that I pressured myself into scrimping and scraping to try and get the money together to do stuff. I have got myself further into debt and panicked nearly every day that we wouldn’t have enough money. And then, to top it all off – he didn’t care less. He spoilt our break away really with his grumpy attitude. Everything was too much hassle, if he didn’t get his own way or what he wanted he’d stomp off of huff or do a little growl. A few examples: I took him to the sweet shop and he wanted a large tub of sweets rather than a regular sized one. He stomped off and got stroppy. He went on a funfair ride. It cost £4, which is expensive for what it was (and bare in mind I have 3 of them wanting rides like this). He found it difficult to do (it was like being in a big hamster Ball on water). He got off saying how rubbish it was and what an awful ride. This was in front of everyone.
The holiday was also ruined because of hubby. He has done very little all holiday. When there has been work to be done, I have had to ask him. He is permanently sat at his computer table, doing sod all except things for himself. It irritates me because he does not act like a father, a family man. He is so self centred.
Anyhow, I have done practically all of the house work, trying to keep it clean. I cleaned it from head to toe but as I look around the house now, I am cross that it hasn’t be kept up with. This is because I have stepped back – looked to see what would happen if I did nothing. There is not thought, an example being, if he makes toast, he leaves the buttered knife out instead of putting it in the dishwasher or the sink. The chopping board will be left covered in crumbs. Why??!
His attitude is also driving a wedge between us. He acts like a child. Other than the messiness and the lack of awareness of what can be done, he is constantly on his computer, on his phone or going out for pokemon raids. He chats on messenger with his pokemon team mates (who all have disgusting names too rude to type out here) and gets called to ‘go out and help out with a raid’. I just don’t get it!
His attitude fluctuates. He is short tempered and this is where T gets his huffiness. When we were away in Cardiff, his driving was erratic. I can’t drive and I struggle recalling my left and my rights, but even I could have found my way round Cardiff. He wasn’t concentrating and we ended up going the wrong way so many times. This has been evidenced by the fine for going in a bus lane that we received yesterday.
Something has to give – and it is up to me. That is why I did not go back and fill in the blog posts missing. It is time I stopped papering over the cracks.