1. I’ve woken up and I live to see another day!
2. I have a job to go to.
3. I have 3 healthy, happy children.
4. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally.
5. I work with some really nice people.
6. I am good at my job.
7. I am able to provide for my family.
8. I have a place that I can call home and I own it (well, technically the bank does but in 22 years, it’s all mine!
This list isn’t complete – I will add to it 🙂
‘It was good to see you smile today’ was a text I recieved tonight. This surprised me as it made me think ‘God, I must have been looking pretty miserable for a while then!’ But, to be honest, I hadn’t really thought I had. Yes, work is hard at the minute, but no more so than I have experienced before. It made me wonder about what people think, or perceive about me.
I am well aware of the fact that I have been cursed with a ‘resting bitch face’ so all I can guess is, I’ve been ‘resting’ at little too much!
I wouldn’t say I was a miserable person. ‘Happy -go-lucky’ is more how I would describe myself however I was shocked when I did a few of those Facebook analysis things at the end of last year and a lot of my statuses were negative and my most frequently used words were either school, work, or a whinging word! I had made the decision to try and be more positive in the new year, but it doesn’t seem in trying hard enough!
I’m going to make a conscious effort to smile more tomorrow and generally be much happier!
Sometimes you don’t say the right thing in the right way. The message you think you want to give isn’t the one that comes across. Yesterday’s blog post is a good example of that, it’s not brilliantly written! I see an edit in the future.
Today I got my 6th follower. In the grand scheme of things, 6 follows is not a huge amount compared to the followers on other blogs, but to me it is amazing! When I started writing this blog I wanted other people to read it. If I could get just one follower that would have been amazing! So for 6, I am truly grateful!
I will apologise if my blogs aren’t exciting, or frequent. I can promise they will be honest!
So, I promised earlier in the week that I would explain the reason why my blog is not going to be daily. I’m a teacher. Now for those of you out there that are also teachers, that will be enough and explanation for you. For those of you aren’t teachers, and I am faced quite often with people who think that teaching is a nine until 3 o’clock job, I am going to explain why it takes so much of my time and leaves me with precious little time for anything else.
When I arrive at school about 7:45am, I start getting ready for the school day: setting up books, getting resources, discussing any issues that might have happened overnight with the children in our care, attending any meetings that might occur before school. At 8:30 I have to be in a classroom ready to start receiving children. The day then passes very quickly and it’s all a bit of a blur, break times are often spent supporting students complete homework who have not done it at home for some reason, usually lack of parental involvement, and at lunch time showing the children how to be able to play sensibly and at the same time making sure they are feeling safe. Again, I may need to be supporting children who need extra support with their work.
After school there is marking to do, it is not uncommon for me to have so where in the region of over 120 books to mark. If I’m not marking I might be making alterations to the next lesson because of the work that was completed that day, I might be having meetings with parents or meetings list of the members of staff. I usually get home at around about 6 to 6:30pm. My evening does not end there because I will often have support plans to write, resources to make for the following day, assessments to complete, or maybe do work for my subject leadership role. I also have to compile evidence to prove that I’m doing a good job because of teachers performance management. By the time I finish working it’s frequently 9 o’clock at night although it has been known to be as late as 11 or 12 o’clock. But this time I’m just so physically exhausted that have no mental capacity to do anything other than to sit in front of the TV for a while before heading up to bed.
I generally don’t get to sleep very well, because I am often thinking about the day I have just had or the day coming next. There are a lot of pressures on teachers in the form of observations and it is common at my school. It doesn’t seem that a week goes by without someone coming in to check up on people. In the past year this has gotten worse and my sleeping has had a serious dip. When I do manage to get to sleep, I grind my teeth so badly I’ve chipped one of my front teeth and I am unable to keep filling in it, I grind it loose in the night. I’m now having to have a crown which is a story for another day.
I decided to start my blog as a way to have something to do to take my mind off of this, enable me to destress and perhaps have a whinge about what happened so that I can have a good nights sleep. But the very last thing I found I want to do is to write my blog as I am so tired.
I often use the time in the bath to write my blog. I have an iPhone and I dictate what is that I want to say. This is actually quite time-consuming because my accent makes it very hard for my phone to understand and for some reason WordPress and editing doesn’t seem to go very smoothly when I use this process. Now, I know some of you might be thinking ‘Ew! How often she have a bath? She doesn’t blog very often!’ Well, the real question here is how often I get to have a bath alone. I’m a mum of three and the minute I get in the bath it seems like the bathroom is the place where the party is happening and invariably all three children come and see me! The youngest usually strips off and gets in too. It’s not really conducive to blog writing!
Teaching is a profession that are used to enjoy, I chose it. It was something I’d wanted to do since about the age of 14 and initially the job was just how I imagined it to be. Gradually, over time, the job has changed and is not the one there I thought it was. My children often say to me they want to be a teacher when they grow up. I actively discourage this. I do not want them to suffer the stress and pressure I have. So why don’t you get out? I hear you cry. Good question. Simple answer is I cannot afford to at my time of life. If I get out now, it’s that new career. I’ll be starting again at the bottom of the ladder and taking a big pay cut. I am the sole bread winner as my husband is a carer for our youngest. Don’t get me wrong, teachers aren’t on a huge wage; considering the number of hours that I do I am paid roughly £6 an hour (teaching isn’t paid hourly monthly wage and work out the hours according to this ). This isn’t significantly higher than a less demanding job. I’m stuck. If the government has anything to do with it, I am in this til I am almost 70. Joy.
And before you start in the holidays – I work right through. I end up having around 4 weeks off, that’s it.
Just. I am so tired. I am not sleeping brilliantly and have so much work to do it is untrue. This is one of the reasons why I knew my blog wouldn’t be daily. I’ll explain more at the weekend!
Why can’t I wave a magic wand? Where is my will power? Why is losing weight such a struggle? Why do I self sabotage? Why am I not being sensible? Why do I over eat when I know what it is doing to me? Why is the fear I have not enough to sort me out? How will my children cope without me? Is it too late?
This weekend we are off to the olds, which is quite a strange thing to say considering I am an ‘old’ myself.
I am quite torn about going away this weekend as hubster isn’t with me and I will be fending all 3 children myself, which wouldn’t normally be a problem if we weren’t going to a house that you have to treat like glass.
If you are old enough to remember ‘Keeping up appearances’ then you will understand me when I say, my mother could give Mrs Bucket a run for her money. Maintaining the perfect environment that is my mothers house, with 3 children whom she has whipped into a sugar frenzy with sweets and juice, is not an easy task. Add to the mix that child 3 is currently asleep (at 4.45pm) and therefore will not sleep again until sometime in the early hours of tomorrow morning and you’ll get some sense of the intrepidation that I feel.
To say that I am old is, I guess, relative. In terms of compared to how long the dinosaurs lived then yes, I am not even a twinkle in my father’s eye but in my own children’s eyes I am a grown up. A responsible, dependable and sensible person whom they can rely. But do I feel that way?
I distinctly remember my 6th birthday and a sense of disappointment that I did not feel any different, any older. I presume that this means on previous birthdays I did. That feeling has stayed. I wouldn’t say I was still, mentally, a 5 year old but certainly more like a late teen. I almost, at times, feel I need to pinch myself.
This does not mean I act immaturely but I certainly don’t feel the well rounded and font of all knowledge type of person that my parents gave the impression of when they were my age, for that is something I distinctly remember too – my dads 40th birthday (which is not *cough* too *cough* far off from how old I am).
I wonder if I will ever fell ‘grown up’?
The devil makes work for idle hands, so the saying says. My devil is definitely ‘naughty food’ – crisps, chocolate, sweets… I have decided I need to keep my hands busy and so I thought I would share some of those ways.
Firstly, I have been cross stitching. I get engrossed in the project that has to be kept clean – no chocolate paw prints! I have also been doing my nails. It takes such a long time and they cannot be spoilt by delving into a crisp packet.
Last nights cross stitch..
I am currently in the process of doing my nails.
Of course, now I am back at work after the Christmas holidays, marking and school work will become all consuming. It is, unfortunately, this stress that is part of the reason I eat the wrong stuff. I have always said I’d be a size 8 if I wasn’t a teacher!
What tips can you share to avoid dipping fingers in the biscuit barrel of ‘naughty food’?
I like to think that I am a fairly organised person. One of the ways I achieve this is to keep a list of things I need to do however I sometimes wonder if I am guilty of taking this to the extreme on occasions; the collection of mental lists I make. A fine example of this would be the lists I make when I am on my way home: first I’ll go to the loo, put the shopping away, sit down for 5 minutes then get a bath, get ready for bed then watch Eastenders, then I’ll see to tea…
My current lists include weight loss goals, things I shall buy when payday comes round, what I’ll do tonight…
Weight loss goals
299lb – 279lb – 250lb – 210lb – 180lb – 150lb. These might seem odd targets but being British means that I work off of stones and pounds, I’ve converted it as I don’t like admitting to how fat I actually am in a unit of measurement I readily understand.
Things I will buy when I get paid
- Nice letter writing stationary
- Cross stitch things
- Stuff from LUSH
What I’ll do tonight
- Have a bath
- Get ready for bed
- Have tea
- Watch ‘Death in Paradise’ in prep for Thursday’s new series
- Cross stitch
- Enjoy last alcoholic drink for a bit
Are you a list maker?