I have always been fat, for as long as I can remember. I was even a fat baby, weighing 9lb 10oz, although in todays terms (that was nearly 40 years ago) that isn’t considered that big. In 1978 it was though. In 1978, so my mother would tell me, visitors stopped by my cot on the way to their own babies, so as to see the fat baby. All the midwives wanted a cuddle of the fat baby. I am pretty sure that she didn’t use the words ‘fat baby’ but that was the gist.
At age 6 I went to a birthday party of the class bitch (and I feel very confident in saying that about her and could go into detail, but this is my ‘about’ page). I went in a grass skirt, sister’s bikini top and home made, toilet paper lei and was mortified. I distinct remember thinking that I was too fat for that outfit. Who the hell, at 6 years old, thinks they are too fat – because I’ve looked back at pictures and I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t slight but I wasn’t fat. I wasn’t wearing clothes for a different age or anything. This, of course, is way before the body shaming that goes on with celebrities nowadays.
And then it just went on and people were more than happy to confirm it from the two girls who sat in front of me in geography, ducking under the tables to see how many rolls of fat I had (which was ironic when I look back, considering one of them was probably not far off my size), to the guy in the white van that shouted “Oi Fatty!” out of the window (No shit Sherlock! – Why do people have to state the obvious?) to my other mother who would often tell me I was scruffy, or that I would be pretty if I was thin. When I told her my husband to be wanted a Star Wars themed wedding, she asked if I was going to be Jabba the Hut.
I think my weight loss struggle began around 14-16. I can’t remember exactly when I went to fat club with my mum. That was the start of the journey and I have done plenty of weight loss groups since then which proves I have no sticking power. I self-sabotage and have lots of things that I do to myself that makes me give up including that I deserve to be fat, that I’ll always be fat so why bother, that I’ll never do it, so why try, that other people don’t have to watch their weight… it is amazing the lies that you can tell yourself.
I have been offered tablets from the doctor but, being a teacher and unable to go to the toilet at the drop of a hat, I am worried about the side effects from those. I have also been told to consider weight loss surgery, but I don’t think that will fix the actual problem because the problem lies in my head. I can eat for England and if I am in that mood I will eat and eat with no cut off – I can work through it.
I am an emotional eater: if I am happy, I eat; if I am sad; I eat, if I am nervous; I eat. You get the picture. I once lost 50lb but it all went back on and more when I had a miscarriage.
I’ve said all this before of course, a quick look through my old posts will show you that, however, this week was a game changer and I have to try harder…