I went into school today to collect my belongings. 17 years worth so to say that I left with a car full is not an exaggeration. This weekend I shall be sorting through and seeing what I want to keep and what I can donated / get rid of.
There were a lot of mixed emotions – relief that it was over, sadness that it was over and anger as to what has happened. I know need to work on repairing myself and moving on.
A lot has happened this year. A lot has happened in the past 10 weeks.
I went off sick from work at the end of April. I was highly stressed, my anxiety was through the roof and I was on the verge of some serious self harm, all because of work. This time last year I was absolutely flying, running the school and feeling so confident. All it took was a month. A month of being surrounded by someone who delights in belittling, humiliating and demoralising those around her. A known history of a behaviour which I now know is called gaslighting. This is a form of abuse that I knew about but initially linked to abusive romantic relationships although I now know it can be quite common in the workplace (read more here). It seems like pursuing a formal complaint is futile as it is one word against another and it is so hard to verbalise everything that has happened – it all seems so petty when taken out of the context of day in and day out degradation.
I am going to be changing the school that I teach at – just for a year – in the hope that I can recover and regain some confidence in my ability. I have no idea what I shall do when the year is up if this person is still in place. I guess I shall have to cross that bridge when it comes to it.
I have been in such a dark place. I have never felt the extreme depths of anxiety and depression that I have felt, brewing since October. I am healing – I still cry, just not as often as I used to. Silly things can still trigger me (the cat scratched me this morning, taking me by surprise and I fell into the door frame, hurting my arm – I cried). I still have waves of anxiety wash over me when I feel like I can achieve nothing but these are fewer a further apart. I am also going through grief – the grief of leaving a school I have worked at for over 17 years, that I know inside out and have running through my veins.
I know need to recover from what has happened. I need to gain acceptance of what has happened, forgive myself for my feelings and then embrace the new opportunity ahead of me. I am trying however night time is when my head starts to get noisy. The thoughts of meeting a new team mixed with the thoughts of having to go into my old school and pack up. My sleep had improved but the past few nights has been tricky. It is late now (1.10am) and I am hoping that writing this down would be enough to let me rest this evening.
364 or there abouts 